The Banned List
by Kirii
Summary: After a particularly difficult prankspree from Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, Prowl and Optimus Prime are forced to write up the list of things now banned from the base. Yes, it is movieverse and yes, there is mentions of slash; TwinsxBluestreak, ProwlxJazz.


_**Author's Note:**__ No, seriously, don't ask. Ame and I were up late and gods know that's when the crack comes about. As it is crack, expect some OOCness, as well as some serious WTF-age. And I am serious. DON'T ASK.  
**Warnings:**__ Humor. Contraband. Twins. Jazz.  
**Disclaimer:**__ Nope. Don't own them, sadly. Otherwise I'd be making tapes of the twins during their playtime with Bluestreak. _

The Banned List

"This has gone too far," Prowl said. He looked up from the report of the twins' latest tirade to glance at the Autobot leader.

Optimus Prime had to agree with his second-in-command. After having only arrived on Earth a mere two Earth-weeks ago, the infamous torublemakers, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, had already terrorized half of the Autobots that had arrived to Earth before them, making what they called 'good use' of the resources the humans provided. Out of fifteen Autobots now on Earth, only a handful had escaped the twins' pranks. . .so far.

Optimus brought a fresh datapad over to his desk and went to work entering data into it. "I never thought I would have to do this, but this prank spree has gotten too far out of hand."

Prowl stood up and joined his commander, optics glancing at the information appearing on the datapad. "Sir, do you think they would truly abide by this?"

Optimus paused. "They are troublemakers and have broken rules from time to time, but even they have limits, once they're given."

The datapad glowed with the information projected on the screen:

**"The Following are Banned from being Instruments of Revenge, Impromptu Weapons, or Methods of Interrogation"**

Optimus' large metal fingers flew over the keypad as he continued entering data. Prowl read carefully over Optimus' shoulder, almost unable to hide the twinge of utter horror at the memory of the incident that Optimus now wrote about.

**I. ****Christmas Lights**  
The silence that filled the Autobot base was a welcome change to the sounds of war that all had become accustomed to. It was quite nice for the newest arrivals to Earth to get a full recharge cycle without having to worry about a Decepticon attack. There was hardly a sound throughout the entire base, save for the sounds of systems cycling during recharge and the soft sounds of the security system that Red Alert had set up for when he was in need of his own recharge cycle.

It was the perfect setting for the prank Sunstreaker and Sideswipe had in mind for this night. The Lamborghini twins crept through the base, carrying long strings of lights they had managed to get their hands on through the unwitting Sam Witwicky and unsuspecting Mikaela Banes. Their laughter had to be strictly contained as they carefully by-passed the codes on the door to Red Alert's private quarters. Sensitive as the other mech was, Red Alert was deep in recharge and the twins were careful.

By the time they had finished setting up the lights, they could only just manage to get back to their own room before laughter finally escaped them. It took several minutes for them to calm down. Even then, it was only a few more minutes before Red Alert's loud voice boomed down from the other side of the base and their laughter resumed.

"Decepticons!" Red Alert screeched, weapon in hand.

Everyone ran out of their rooms, arms at the ready as they looked around the base, searching for the intruders. It wasn't until Red Alert managed to explain just_where _the Decepticons were that an organized investigation was quickly put together. Jazz, Prowl and Ironhide went into Red Alert's room and were stopped by the sight of a multitude of glowing red Christmas lights. Jazz immediately put together the pieces and began to laugh. Prowl and Ironhide both gave irritated groans as they, too, put two and two together.

"Sunstreaker!" Ironhide shouted, stomping his way to the twins' shared quarters. "Sideswipe!"

Needless to say, this particular prank earned the Lamborghini twins a week of patrol duty, as well as manual labor and they had to take down all the lights as punishment.

* * *

Of course, between the patrol duty and hours of manual labor, the twins had plenty of time to get bored. Which. . .lead to the next item on the list that Optimus was compiling. Prowl, again, had to refrain to shuddering. 

**II. ****Disney Theme Songs**  
As much as the recently rebuilt Jazz appreciated music, even he had to cringe at this latest interrogation tactic that the twins had come up with in order to get the captured Rumble to crack and reveal the plans the Decepticons had for the planet. The mini-con was currently locked in a cell with high-energy bars to keep the menace contained. Jazz almost pitied the small mech. . .almost.

After nearly two human hours of "Be Our Guest" being played, he would cracked for sure. Rumble had managed to last through that plus an hour of "Under the Sea", followed by almost forty-five minutes of "Whistle While You Work" before he finally attempted to scratch out his own audio receptors from the sheer insanity it was causing him. What fianlly seemed to get to him was the fact that both Sunstreaker and Sideswipe were bouncing happily on their heels, whistling along to the song.

Jazz had to wonder how in the Pit they could stand that. Only three rounds of "It's a Small World After All" had poor Rodimus in conniptions. He was still jumpy whenever Jazz decided to whistle even a few notes of that sound to keep the younger 'bot in line.

"The two o' ya are cruel, cruel 'bots," he told the twins when they practically pranced out of the holding area after finally getting Rumble to talk when they threatened him with "Once Upon a Dream."

The smiles that they gave him were almost as frightening as their new interrogation tactic.

* * *

Optimus paused there. That particular tactic had gotten them the information that they'd needed to protect the people of Tranquility, but it still had caused several of his own officers to suffer crashed CPUs. Ratchet had thrown a fit of his own when he was faced with so many officers in his med bay. Ironhide had been particularly affected, particularly because he had only just come to the base because Annabelle's favorite song was currently "Under the Sea" and after having to play that song for the infant while Sarah was grocery shopping, he had desperately needed to escape the Caribbean beat; he'd arrived to the base just in time to overhear the thirtieth time the twins were playing it for Rumble. 

Prowl chose that moment to lean over his commander and enter the third rule. It was Optimus' turn to suppress a shudder and moan of utter fear.

**III. ****The Rainbow Song**  
He did _not_ want to know. He seriously _**did not**_ want to know where Sunstreaker and Sideswipe had stumbled across this particular atrocity. He wasn't even sure he wanted to know _**why**_ they'd decided that it was now their new favorite interrogation tactic. It was easily the most terrifying song that he'd ever heard, if it even could be called a song in the first place and not an 'audio abusing misuse of music'. It was even worse than that horrid "Under the Sea" song that they'd nearly sent Ironhide into stasis with last week.

"Hey, join in, Jazz!" Sideswipe called as his brother continued to sing.

Jazz blinked his optics, listened for a moment, then cringed in fear.

"Pink is the sun rising and so is a rose..." Sunstreaker sang.

Just that far into the next rendition and Jazz had to force his audio receptors off-line to keep them from spontaneously exploding. He gave a vigorous shake of his head and quickly made for the quarters he shared with his mate in order to blast some real music in order to punt the horror that was "The Rainbow Song" out of his processor.

Meanwhile, back in the holding area. . .

"The colors gather on high to make a rainbow in the sky!"

Rumble was bashing his head repeatedly against the floor, praying to Primus for deactivation. Maybe if he slammed his head enough, it would send him offline. Maybe. Had he been paying attention, he would have been terrified to realize that he was slamming his head to the beat of the song.

* * *

It hadn't stopped there, sad to say. Poor Bumblebee was unfortunate enough to be around when the twins decided to take the volume of their singing to the next level. The mini-bot had been traumatized by the song, enough that he had forced Mikaela onto the street on the way to school because she mentioned that she was signing the lyrics to the song for an ASL project. She still refused to take up Bumblebee's offer to take her home after school and she still complained of a sore back from the fall. 

Though no one ever really asked where the twins had learned of such an atrocity, it was later leaked that the two of them had come across an elementary school during one of their patrols and had been stuck listening to it. And as they said, if they didn't have the rights to their sanity, no one did.

Optimus gave an exasperated sigh before taking back the keypad and entering the next rule:

**IV. ****Flour  
**Despite the time that had passed since the Christmas lights incident, it was obvious that Sunstreaker and Sideswipe had not forgotten that Ironhide had been the one to force patrol duty and manual labor on them. Revenge would be swift, as would their escape. It would be nearly a full week until Ironhide finally located them in Reno. By that time, he'd managed to clean all the flour from his cannons and get Ratchet to fix the recoils so he didn't wind up knocking himself on his aft from the recoil. The twins were to consider themselves lucky that Ratchet had accompanied the weapons specialist to fetch the twins; had the medic not been there, Sunstreaker would have surely lost more than his new paintjob when Ironhide had caught up to them.

* * *

"Let's not forget their recent tirade with the..." Prowl began. 

Optimus waved his hand, cutting Prowl off. "Just getting there."

**V. ****Garden Gnomes**  
Grimlock, Slag, Sludge and Snarl were currently hiding away in the recreation room of the Autobot base and absolutely refusing to go back to their regular quarters. It was a shock to all the other Autobots in the room to see Grimlock curled into the fetal position and muttering. It was even more shocking when Bumblebee's sharp audios picked up just what exactly the Dinobot commander was muttering about.

"Can't sleep," Grimlock repeated. "Can't sleep, gnomes will eat me."

It took Wheeljack and Ratchet several minutes to pry an explanation out of the other three Dinobots. When Slag finally managed to get out an explanation, it was more along the lines of "garden gnomes...everywhere...Swoop crazy."

With worried processors, the medic and the engineer headed quickly for the large section of the base that was designated for the Dinobots. Ratchet punched in the code to get into the room that Swoop and Grimlock shared and glanced around. As Slag had said, there were garden gnomes _everywhere_. Easily three dozen were strategically placed; one on the desk, several scattered on the floor, about three on Grimlock's recharge berth and there were seveal on the windowsill. Almost all of them were turned to face Grimlock's berth.

It was almost as if it was a small army. All set to kill Grimlock. If gnomes could kill. . .

The most maddening part of the whole situation was that Swoop was cheerfully naming each and every one of the gnomes. Wheeljack had to stifle his laughter at the Dinobot as Swoop proclaimed the short gnome in the blue shirt with a red hat was now named Stephano. Ratchet could not help but point out that the gnome in Swoop's hands was not aptly named; the name Tiffany was a female name.

"She Tiffany!" Swoop declared once again.

"Swoop, that's a beard," Ratchet said. "Females do not have beards."

Swoop looked afronted on Tiffany's behalf. "She sensitive!" To prove his point, he gave a reassuring pat on the gnome's head.

Wheeljack rushed out of the room before he could burst into a fit of laughter. Ratchet decided at that point to leave as well, before Swoop could insist that he take Hansel to baby-sit for him. The two mechs made their way back to the rec room and promptly kicked the Dinobots out, leaving Grimlock with little choice but to go and face the gnomes.

Of course, had Ratchet and Wheeljack known that Swoop would would proceed to shove Snicklefritz into Grimlock's arms, they probably would let the Dinobot commander have a room of his own for the time being. Had they also had the foresight to see that Swoop would begin carrying Tiffany around like a teddy bear, they probably would have brought him in for a thorough check-up. It didn't help matters when Bluestreak sincerely wanted to take in one of Swoop's gnomes for him.

Sunstreaker and Sideswipe were forced to live with their lover's new friend, Gerald. Grimlock, at least, saw that as justice.

* * *

Prowl once again took over the keypad in order to add the next item to the list of Contraband. As much as he loved Jazz, he did not appreciate the saboteur's latest trick to get him to leave his work alone and recharge. His fingers tapped at the keypad and the data was quickly entered. 

**VI. ****Silly Putty**  
He had only been gone for a few minutes. A simple run for energon had apparently given the sneaky Pontiac plenty of time to hide the numerous datapads that Prowl needed to finish going through. With a sigh, the tactician began to search for hidden datapads. He searched his office up and down for them for several long minutes before finally turning to the door in search of his mate. He found Jazz in the recreation room, speaking with the twins. Prowl stalked over to Jazz and put a hand firmly on his lover's shoulder.

"Jazz, where are they?" he asked, looking dead serious.

"Where are who?" Jazz responded, acting as innocent as he possibly could.

"Not who, Jazz. What. Where are the reports I need to go through?"

Jazz gave a shrug. Prowl sighed and shook his head. He looked his mate in the optics, frowning slightly.

"I'm serious, Jazz. I know you had something to do with their disappearance."

Jazz gave another shrug. "I'm sure they'll turn up." He took Prowl by the arm and attempted to pull the taller mech out of the rec room. "C'mon, ya need rechargin'."

Prowl pulled away. "I need to finish those reports."

Jazz frowned at his mate. "Prowl, you haven't recharged in three cycles."

"I'll be in our chambers shortly," Prowl said. He headed back towards his office, intent on finding those reports.

Almost half an hour passed before the tactician sunk into his chair. He shuttered his optics and leaned back, face tilted towards the ceiling. He hoped to Primus that he found the reports before they were due in to Optimus Prime. With a sigh, he opened his optics. . .

Low and behold. There, firmly affixed to the ceiling, were his missing reports. He stood abruptly, processor trying to figure out how Jazz had managed to get up that high to stick his reports to the ceiling and how he'd stuck them there in the first place. There was a crunch under his left foot and he looked down to find a broken red plastic shell on the floor where he'd stepped. He crouched down to pick up the plastic and inspected it. The words "Silly Putty" were inscribed on the shell.

"JAZZ!" Prowl shouted.

* * *

Prowl had managed to get a confession out of his mate after effectively arresting the saboteur and making good use of his handcuffs. Several bouts of intense interfacing later, Jazz admitted that he'd bribed Swoop with special "gnome polish" in order to get the reports stuck to the ceiling. Though he was annoyed with Jazz's tactics, he had to admit that it was rather effective. 

Speaking of annoying tactics, Prowl was reminded of the previous night's events. He quickly made an addition to the list:

**VII. ****Magic Markers**  
The twins had apparently had enough of Mirage and his less-than-subtle flirtings with Bluestreak, even though it was common knowledge amongst the Autobots that the Datsun was very much involved with the two Lamborghinis. Their newest way to prove that Bluestreak was theirs was not something that surprised many of the Autobots, but had been more than enough of a surprise to the young gunner and the special ops officer. Where they had managed to find the now banned Magic Markers large enough for them to legibly write their proclaimation on Bluestreak's armor was a question better left unasked.

Why they'd decided that "invisible ink" markers were the best choice as well was another question that was to be left silent. None of the Autobots were aware the message was sprawled across Bluestreak's chest until the gunner entered the newly decorated rec room that now included a black light. No one was sure where the black light had come from, but they were certain of the purpose once Bluestreak stepped into the area that was flooded with the black light.

"What?" Bluestreak asked when he noticed Hound, Ratchet, Ironhide, Bumblebee and Mirage staring at him. He followed their gaze to his chest and nearly dropped the cube of energon he'd been holding.

There, glowing a lovely shade of lavender, were the words "He's ours; no touchie!" in Sunstreaker's unmistakable Cybertronian script.

The following "conversation" between Bluestreak, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe was actually quite amusing in the fact that the young gunner ended the conversation by proclaiming loudly that he and Gerald were recharging in a separate room that night, away from the twins. The utterly defeated looks on Sunstreaker and Sideswipe's faces when their plan backfired on them was more than enough to make several mechs' night.

* * *

As far as Prowl knew, Bluestreak still hadn't returned to the quarters he typically shared with the Lamboghinis. The gunner had been avoiding the twins all day, miffed at the proclaimation from the previous night. It had taken Bluestreak quite a while to manage to scrub all of the ink off his armor, mostly because the ink could only be seen under the black light in the rec room. Prowl stood back and let his optics run over the list, processor going over it and searching for anything else he needed to add to the list. 

Prowl and Optimus looked up as the door to Optimus' office slammed open and Cliffjumper stormed in. The red mini-bot was trailing thin stripes of. . .well, neither of them were quite sure what it was. Cliffjumper stood in front of Optimus' desk, arms crossed over his chest in a huff. Optimus and Prowl blinked their optics at the mini-bot and Cliffjumper continued to glower.

"What is...?" Optimus began.

"Humans use it to clean themselves," the red warrior scowled. "After lubricating."

Optimus vaguely recalled hearing the twins talking excitedly after witnessing a TP victim near the Witwicky residence. He shook his head with a heavy sigh and reached for the keypad, shooing Prowl to the side so he could add toliet paper to the growing list. Cliffjumper stepped forward to take a glance at the datapad that Optimus and Prowl had been working on. He seemed satisfied to see that his new predicament had been added to the list and was more than satisfied to note the Disney themes on the list as well.

The three Autobots looked up from the datapad to see a very irate Ratchet enter the room. The medical officer looked as though he was ready to lob one of his tools at the next thing that moved. Wise leader that he was, Optimus offered his audios to the older mech. He was very much prepared to hear what Ratchet's problem was.

"Those slagging Lamborghinis!" Ratchet nearly shouted. "I don't know how or where they got it and I don't _want_ to know, but those two managed to cover Ironhide, Hound, and First Aid in bubble gum! I have spent the last several hours picking sticky pink rubber out of Ironhide's cannons, listening to him rant, growl and threaten the twins!"

Cliffjumper cringed. Optimus and Prowl both let out exasperated sighs. Bubble gum was quickly added to the list.

They were pondering the next item to add to the list when Cliffjumper gave a shout. His systems had heated to the point where the toliet paper that covered him had caught flame. The red mech flailed and began to try to fan the flames out. Ratchet subspaced a fire extinguisher and proceeded to put out the flames. Once that was taken care off, he sat back down. Prowl looked back up at Ratchet, eyeing the medic curiously.

"Where are the twins now?"

"Am I their keeper?" Ratchet snapped. "I don't keep tabs on them, especially with Ironhide in my med bay."

A sudden explosion rocked the base. Optimus, Prowl and Ratchet all jumped to their feet, ready to make their way to Wheeljack's laboratory; it was about time that one of Wheeljack's inventions backfired and exploded. It was almost like clockwork sometimes, when the engineer's inventions blew. Ratchet growled, already thoroughly overworked from the bubble gum incident and not looking forward to piecing his friend back together.

"That fragger!" he snarled through his worry that Wheeljack may be seriously injured. "I told Wheeljack..."

"That wasn't my fault!" came the familiar voice of the engineer.

All four mechs turned to see Wheeljack coming down the hall towards them. The inventors' audio fins flashed as he tried to explain how the explosion couldn't possibly have been his fault this time. Ratchet turned on Wheeljack.

"If it wasn't your fault, then who?" he asked, his irritation growing as the idea of putting another careless inventor back together settled into his processor.

"I don't know," Wheeljack replied, coming to a stop as he reached the other Autobots. "No one else toys with my...unless..."

"Unless?" Optimus urged.

"Well, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe were in my office earlier and I didn't want them messing around while I was working and they asked me if I needed something. I told them no, but..."

Ratchet paused, then turned back to Optimus' office, going over to the datapad. His fingers went over the keypad and he entered the newest item to the list.

**X.****Anything that Wheeljack says "I don't need that anymore" about  
**

* * *

The next day, once Ratchet had fixed up Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, the twins were headed back to their quarters, a worried and apologetic Bluestreak wedged between them, when they spotted an announcement posted. The three mechs paused in front of the datapad and quickly scanned its contents. Sunstreaker's face fell at the list of things that were never to be used for revenge, weapons or interrogation. There went about another week's worth of fun. 

"Well," Sideswipe said. "They didn't mention using the Care Bears theme song for interrogation."

Bluestreak noted the smirks appearing on his lovers' faces and gave a groan. Sometimes there was just no stopping the two of them. He made to protest, but was cut off by Sunstreaker.

"I don't see annoying soundbytes on the list either," the yellow twin grinned. "Or Jell-O."

"Barney isn't on the list," Sideswipe added. "Neither is silly string."

Bluestreak pulled away from the twins, not wanting any part in their current scheming session. "I'm going to our room," he told his lovers. "And if I hear one thing about you two going against orders, I'm locking you out."

"Oh, come on, Blue," Sunstreaker said. "It's all just in fun!"

_**Author's Note:**__ Okay. Now I can get back to work on the serious fics. Maybe. Don't count on it, though. _


End file.
